I'll start with this... I LOVE New Year's Resolutions. I honestly think its so exciting and helpful to look back on the previous year, look at what you want to change, and make a commitment to that. Its so easy to slip away from our commitments throughout the year in a way that often leaves us tired, grumpy, and overweight once the holidays are over. This year though... I totally wasn't feeling it. I didn't look back over the past year (who would want to?!) and I didn't make any new commitments or exciting resolutions. Honestly, I feel like we've all just been in survival mode this year. Regardless of whether you think the Coronavirus is a big deal or not, whether you agree or disagree with the lockdowns, the mandates, and the endless politics of this year... no matter what, we are all mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. We are creeping timidly into this next year, afraid that it can still get worse, uncertain if things will ever get better... and y'all, we really don't know!
Unfortunately for me, as a self-employed business lady I have to look back on the past year, tally up all my sales for tax season, check myself on strategies that did and didn't work, and set my goals for this year. Well, as I got to thinking about last year I decided to go beyond the business aspect and really hone in on what happened to me last year. Not only did I, like everyone, have to deal with the craziness of lockdowns and quarantines and mandates, the stress of a presidential election, and the racial tension that has gripped us all year, I dealt with personal struggles and losses. In February I got pregnant, and then miscarried our baby, whom we named Haven Noel. That same month my husband lost his job, and in March I lost my job as a Travel Agent (yeah, that's not much of an industry these days...) All the while I've been struggling physically because my body still has not healed from the miscarriage and all the doctors and tests have turned up no results at all. There have been so many tears, sleepless night, and so so much heartache. But in the midst of all that, all the times I could have cried out to God and accepted His loving presence... I kinda blocked Him out instead. I'm not really sure why, maybe I was angry with Him for taking my baby, for not protecting my job, for not providing in the way I wanted (but we never went hungry, and we never missed a bill.) Maybe I just wanted to be miserable, it felt kind of right in a way; I mean, have you ever just wanted to be sad for a while? It can feel good, it can even be an important part of the healing process... but it is not healthy to stay there. In The Silver Chair C.S. Lewis writes “Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.” So maybe I just... wasn't ready for the "decide what to do" part and that's why I pushed God away. Or maybe I was just too caught up in myself, or in what was going on in the world, or in the USA. I don't know, and this isn't a dissection into the whys and wherefores anyway. The point is, somewhere along the way I let my faith just kinda sit there stagnant, and y'all that's not what I want. Yeah, I still go to church, I serve on the worship team, I even pray for people when they text me prayer requests or post something on Facebook, but that does not equate a relationship with God.
As a kid/teenager, there was this quote, it was kinda funny and kinda serious all at once, but I always said it would be me when I was grown up. "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, 'oh crap, she's up." Now, that could manifest in so many different ways; it could mean you're a mighty prayer warrior, a trusted shepherd, a servant to the poor and needy, an awesome missionary... but it definitely means you have a solid relationship with God. I still want that, I want to be a formidable force in the spiritual world because I do love God, and I do believe in his kingdom, and I want to see people saved and changed by His love and grace! So long story short... I do have a New Year's Resolution after all, even if its taken till the 8th day of the year to make it. I resolve to rediscover and strengthen my relationship with the One who truly knows me, loves me, died for me, and has a good work established for me. I'll probably get mad at Him at some point, I'm human after all, and I'll probably fall off the wagon a couple times, just being realistic. Regardless, that is my ultimate goal, not just this year, but for my life, and I'm taking this season of renewal as a chance to begin making that change. I hope you've done a little better than me recently and don't need to make this your resolution too, but just in case you do... I've got ya, we are in this together. (Although I'll be happy if I never have to hear that phrase again...)
"Come near to God and he will come near to you." ~James 4:8a
"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him." ~1 John 3:1
"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." ~Psalm 34:17-19
~Katie~
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