Guilt on Mother’s Day

 Some days, I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot of faith. Not in an “unbelief in God” kind of way, but a lack of faith for His plans. 

Tonight, just after midnight on Mother’s Day I cry on my kitchen floor and say to myself, “My home is empty and my womb is empty because God doesn’t love me.” 

On my good days I know this to be an outrageous lie. But on days when I am weak and overcome, when I am all too aware of my sin and sit in guilt instead of freedom… on these days I believe the lie.

But as a sit here, I think. 

I’m in good company in what Biblical language would call “barrenness” and in every woman in the Bible who shares this affliction, one thing is the same. 

God does great, amazing, miraculous things through them, and through the children they eventually bring forth. 

Four women come to mind

Two we read imperfections about

And one… one is like me.

Sara doubted. 

At times, Sara was so deep in doubt of the goodness of Hod that she laughed; laughed at God Himself in disbelief. 

And in time, as she waited, I wonder if she blamed herself the way I do. As she watched another woman bear a child, as she saw others receive her most longed-for blessing… o wonder if she sat and thought about her laughter and her doubt. If she feared God had changed His mind because she was unworthy, sinful, and dubious. I wonder how much anger and hatred she bore toward herself. And I wonder how long nearly a hundred years felt when nearly 3 threatens to break me. 

But as I sit and wonder about Sara and how she felt, I also know how her story ends. 

And it doesn’t end here with an empty womb and a broken heart. God never went back on His promise and blessings were not withheld as a punishment because - Hear me

That’s not how God operates.

The reality is, I have no guarantee that my story will end like those of Sara, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth. But God is not cruel, He plants desires on our hearts for a reason. He redeems every situation even in the midst of our doubt and sin.

So whatever the plan “when the time is right I, The Lord, will make it happen” Isaiah 60:22. 

And until then… it’s okay to weep. 

“There is a time for weeping and a time for rejoicing, a time for mourning and a time for dancing” Ecclesiastes 3:4