Guilt on Mother’s Day

 Some days, I’ll be honest, I don’t have a lot of faith. Not in an “unbelief in God” kind of way, but a lack of faith for His plans. 

Tonight, just after midnight on Mother’s Day I cry on my kitchen floor and say to myself, “My home is empty and my womb is empty because God doesn’t love me.” 

On my good days I know this to be an outrageous lie. But on days when I am weak and overcome, when I am all too aware of my sin and sit in guilt instead of freedom… on these days I believe the lie.

But as a sit here, I think. 

I’m in good company in what Biblical language would call “barrenness” and in every woman in the Bible who shares this affliction, one thing is the same. 

God does great, amazing, miraculous things through them, and through the children they eventually bring forth. 

Four women come to mind

Two we read imperfections about

And one… one is like me.

Sara doubted. 

At times, Sara was so deep in doubt of the goodness of Hod that she laughed; laughed at God Himself in disbelief. 

And in time, as she waited, I wonder if she blamed herself the way I do. As she watched another woman bear a child, as she saw others receive her most longed-for blessing… o wonder if she sat and thought about her laughter and her doubt. If she feared God had changed His mind because she was unworthy, sinful, and dubious. I wonder how much anger and hatred she bore toward herself. And I wonder how long nearly a hundred years felt when nearly 3 threatens to break me. 

But as I sit and wonder about Sara and how she felt, I also know how her story ends. 

And it doesn’t end here with an empty womb and a broken heart. God never went back on His promise and blessings were not withheld as a punishment because - Hear me

That’s not how God operates.

The reality is, I have no guarantee that my story will end like those of Sara, Rachel, Hannah, and Elizabeth. But God is not cruel, He plants desires on our hearts for a reason. He redeems every situation even in the midst of our doubt and sin.

So whatever the plan “when the time is right I, The Lord, will make it happen” Isaiah 60:22. 

And until then… it’s okay to weep. 

“There is a time for weeping and a time for rejoicing, a time for mourning and a time for dancing” Ecclesiastes 3:4 

Broken Together

 Are you broken today?

Trick question, we all are every day. We live in an unfortunate world of imperfection, and it leaves us broken;

Angry
Depressed
Helpless
Anxious
Selfish

All the things that we don’t want to be.
But that’s not where our story ends, because God is the Great Healer! He comes to us in all our brokenness, in all the worst parts of us. He tells us that this is NOT who we are, it’s not who He created us to be. He pulls us out of the brokenness and into His marvelous light. He tells us that in our darkest moments, we will never be alone, we can come to Him and find rest.

 

“But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood 
a holy nation, a people for His possession, 
so that you may proclaim the praises
of the One who called you out of darkness
into His marvelous light.” 1 Peter 2:9 

And 

“Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”

Matthew 11:28-29

As the church, we are called to show this to other people as well. We are meant to draw in the broken people while they are still broken and show them the love and light of God that comes to them even in the darkest places. 

 

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.” 

1 Corinthians 1:1-2

Only when we come to people as they are, will they feel confident enough in love that they can be transformed by a God who doesn’t leave us in our brokenness. 

 

Hanukkah: Light and Darkness

 This year as I lit the Menorah on the 6th night of Hanukkah, this is what I wrote

“Every night I have to sit in my darkness and light these candles. Literally a light in the darkness for 8 whole nights; and it doesn’t make anything better, and it doesn’t make me feel any better at all. It makes me feel worse sometimes because I don’t see that light right now. But it also feels really important”

And so, with that, I started thinking about the way we are meant to hold light and darkness all in one hand. We must hold the deepest grief and the greatest rejoicing all in one hand. That feels so counterintuitive; when we’re happy we are meant to be ALL happy, and when we are sad, we are allowed to just feel sad, and that’s okay. I’m not talking about negativity during your good times “Well its happy for now, but it’ll get bad again eventually” and I’m not talking about a toxic form of positivity “Nothing is really that bad, I’m sure there’s something good about it.” 

I’m talking about something that transcends all that. The ability to hold the good and bad together in one hand without changing either one. Allowing them to exist in the same space without explaining away their full nature. 

Psalm 139: 12 says, “Yea the darkness hideth not from Thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to Thee” 

I want to pick that apart for a moment, because at a first glance you can easily pass it off as “oh yeah, dark is the same as light because God makes everything light” but that’s not actually what it says. The line that can be interpreted that way “the night shineth as the day” is surrounded by important key verses that indicate it should not be read that way. Because of that, this line always made me feel unsettled. I thought “is this scripture really saying that God doesn’t change the darkness, that the darkness does not flee from him?” 

To me as a teenager, that felt very close to blasphemy, and so I just explained it away or ignored it. But there was a problem… Psalm 139:7-12 was my favorite passage of scripture, I had it in my notebooks and up on my wall, and so I was met with that line day after day, wrestling with it. And in all that time, I don’t think I understood until just recently. 

“Yea the darkness hideth not from Thee; but the night shineth as the day” 

In Genesis, when Adam and Eve sinned against God, they hid. They tried to retreat into their darkness and hide from God, to avoid being seen by Him, for fear of judgement. But our darkness does not hide from God, because even the darkness bows to Him, even that is ultimately under His authority. That doesn’t mean that He bids the darkness to come against us (We know that He does not tempt us James 1:13) but regardless, when He speaks into the darkness with authority it MUST obey Him, and it cannot hide from Him, and we cannot hide from Him within that darkness.

“The darkness and the light are both alike to Thee” 

God can see us, and reach us no matter where we are, darkness and light make no difference to Him, neither one has authority over Him, and neither one can cut us off from His love for as long as we draw breath. 

There was a picture circulating for a long time of a crossroads between the “good road” and the “bad road” as they were labeled, and the person is shown walking down the bad road… and Jesus is standing at the crossroads waiting for Him to turn around and come back. 

That picture broke my heart. 

Even when we turn away from God, He never turns away from us, He never leaves us in our sin or shame or darkness. He does not stand at some distant crossroads waiting for us to come back, He travels with us ALL the time, regardless of where we are going. Turning to Him is not a process of finding our way back alone until we finally come back to that crossroads, it is as simple as acknowledging that He is already beside us and ALL we must do is follow Him back to where we are going. 

And more than that, when we are following Him, we will still walk through darkness. We will suffer heartache, loss and grief, loneliness, exhaustion, depression, anxiety, longing, and so many other things in this life. But again, whether we are sitting in the darkness or sitting in the light, it is the same to God. 

“The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged,” Deuteronomy 31:8 

 

So finally… this picture of Hanukkah… 

When Jesus, the light of the world sits with us in the darkness, He doesn’t always light up the whole place like we imagine. When I light the Menorah, it doesn’t brighten the whole room, especially on the first night. But in that space, the darkness and the light reside together. 

 

We hold all this in one hand. 

 

Rumors of Wars

I wanted to share with you all something I’ve been thinking about. A lot of frightening things are happening right now, many I’m not okay with, and much is traced back to current political leaders, as many big things are. 

I was thinking back to the 2008 elections and how worried my mom was. I was only 9 at the time but I distinctly remember walking though drug mart (my old favorite cause they had these fruit drinks and movie rentals) and she was talking about the election all worried as many were, and I quoted back a scripture I’d memorized during church camp that summer. Part of Daniel 5:21 “until he acknowledged that the Most High God is sovereign over the kingdoms of men, and sets over them anyone he wishes” 

Right now a lot of things feel crazy and out of control, and we blame the “powers that be” politically and I’m not saying the things that are happening aren’t their fault, they are. But I think it’s also important as believers to remember that no matter how chaotic things appear, God IS in control, He is sovereign; kings and presidents and senators and parliaments and everything else rise only at His allowing, they all rise and fall at His command and there is nothing  beyond His reach and His power. 

Also Matthew 24:6 “You will hear of wars and rumors of wars, but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come.” 

We often think of the end of days in such frightening terms, but the reality is that the end of days is when Jesus comes back, and that will be the day that everything is so inexplicably perfect that we’ll forget everything that came before. 

So even if the leaders and rulers that God allows to rise do turn out to be terrible, even if He DOESN’T command their fall right now… we still trust, we still slough off fear we still know that the Most High God is sovereign. 

Looking to Our Future

 "I'm past patiently waiting, I'm passionately smashing every expectation, every action is an act of creation" ~Hamilton: An American Musical

There are so many incredible lines in Hamilton, Lin Manuel Mirada is truly a lyrical genius, but this is the one running through my head over and over right now. It's been a really crazy year... more than a year now, you ALL know what I mean, and in addition to all the things we, worldwide, have been going through, I've had a LOT going on in my personal life too. All of this has lead to a lot of self-reflection and even life-reflection. I've spent so much time thinking about the future my husband and I have dreamed up together, and whether the things we are doing today are creating the tomorrows that our hearts desire. I bet you can guess what I've discovered... a lot of the things we're doing today are NOT! You know, people are always talking about being patient, waiting for the right time, etc... and that's perfectly good advice for things that we have no control over, but what about the things we DO have control over? The outcomes that we are CURRENTLY creating by the choices we make every day... we aren't leaving those things up to fate, we're just making choices that won't come to conclusions that we want. It can be so much easier to pretend that life is all up to fate and that we have to just patiently wait for the life we want to just... happen. but seriously guys, that's SO NOT how it works!

So I'm PAST patiently waiting, been there and tried that, it didn't work! 

You know what else I've been wrestling with? EXPECTATIONS, ugh! My own expectations for myself and my life, other people's expectations (girl let me tell you, people have a LOT to say when you're not fitting into their mold) The expectations my husband has for me (and the ones I THINK he has, but he doesn't actually). Expectations of my family and my husband's family, my friends, our church... it never ends! The thing is... most of these expectations are just PERCEIVED expectations, meaning no one actually holds them, I just think they do because anxiety. Regardless, expectations will RUIN your life, you have to keep those guys under control! Build the future you believe in, outside of expectations, outside of the "status quo" outside of the molds you and others will try to fit you into, and the walls they will try to build around you. 

So I'm PASSIONATELY smashing EVERY expectation

My husband and I have HUGE dreams for our life together... call us naive, but we really do believe in these dreams, I believe in these dreams! I know a lot of people who wanted something more in their lives, but they thought it could never happen, they thought it was fate, or they believed that it wasn't worth putting in the work. I have watched those people put their heads down and stick to the status quo, living a "normal" life. I LOVE a lot of those people, and it devastates me to see that they gave up, and I don't blame them because their reasons do make sense... but I don't want to mirror that. I can't do anything about the people who stopped creating the future they dreamed of, but I can choose to walk a road less travelled. I want to create something that is not just beautiful for myself and my husband and our future family, but something that will be beautiful for the people around us (maybe it will inspire them to create something too) something that will change our lives AND the lives of our community. Something we can raise our children in, and that they can raise their children in, giving way to generations that will persevere. I believe that we can build that one moment, one choice, one excuse UNEXCUSED at a time.

Every action is an act of creation. 

A New Confession

  I'll start with this... I LOVE New Year's Resolutions. I honestly think its so exciting and helpful to look back on the previous year, look at what you want to change, and make a commitment to that. Its so easy to slip away from our commitments throughout the year in a way that often leaves us tired, grumpy, and overweight once the holidays are over. This year though... I totally wasn't feeling it. I didn't look back over the past year (who would want to?!) and I didn't make any new commitments or exciting resolutions. Honestly, I feel like we've all just been in survival mode this year. Regardless of whether you think the Coronavirus is a big deal or not, whether you agree or disagree with the lockdowns, the mandates, and the endless politics of this year... no matter what, we are all mentally, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. We are creeping timidly into this next year, afraid that it can still get worse, uncertain if things will ever get better... and y'all, we really don't know! 

Unfortunately for me, as a self-employed business lady I have to look back on the past year, tally up all my sales for tax season, check myself on strategies that did and didn't work, and set my goals for this year. Well, as I got to thinking about last year I decided to go beyond the business aspect and really hone in on what happened to me last year. Not only did I, like everyone, have to deal with the craziness of lockdowns and quarantines and mandates, the stress of a presidential election, and the racial tension that has gripped us all year, I dealt with personal struggles and losses. In February I got pregnant, and then miscarried our baby, whom we named Haven Noel. That same month my husband lost his job, and in March I lost my job as a Travel Agent (yeah, that's not much of an industry these days...)  All the while I've been struggling physically because my body still has not healed from the miscarriage and all the doctors and tests have turned up no results at all. There have been so many tears, sleepless night, and so so much heartache. But in the midst of all that, all the times I could have cried out to God and accepted His loving presence... I kinda blocked Him out instead. I'm not really sure why, maybe I was angry with Him for taking my baby, for not protecting my job, for not providing in the way I wanted (but we never went hungry, and we never missed a bill.) Maybe I just wanted to be miserable, it felt kind of right in a way; I mean, have you ever just wanted to be sad for a while? It can feel good, it can even be an important part of the healing process... but it is not healthy to stay there. In The Silver Chair C.S. Lewis writes “Crying is all right in its way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later, and then you still have to decide what to do.” So maybe I just... wasn't ready for the "decide what to do" part and that's why I pushed God away. Or maybe I was just too caught up in myself, or in what was going on in the world, or in the USA. I don't know, and this isn't a dissection into the whys and wherefores anyway. The point is, somewhere along the way I let my faith just kinda sit there stagnant, and y'all that's not what I want. Yeah, I still go to church, I serve on the worship team, I even pray for people when they text me prayer requests or post something on Facebook, but that does not equate a relationship with God. 

As a kid/teenager, there was this quote, it was kinda funny and kinda serious all at once, but I always said it would be me when I was grown up. "Be the kind of woman that when your feet hit the floor each morning the devil says, 'oh crap, she's up." Now, that could manifest in so many different ways; it could mean you're a mighty prayer warrior, a trusted shepherd, a servant to the poor and needy, an awesome missionary... but it definitely means you have a solid relationship with God. I still want that, I want to be a formidable force in the spiritual world because I do love God, and I do believe in his kingdom, and I want to see people saved and changed by His love and grace! So long story short... I do have a New Year's Resolution after all, even if its taken till the 8th day of the year to make it. I resolve to rediscover and strengthen my relationship with the One who truly knows me, loves me, died for me, and has a good work established for me. I'll probably get mad at Him at some point, I'm human after all, and I'll probably fall off the wagon a couple times, just being realistic. Regardless, that is my ultimate goal, not just this year, but for my life, and I'm taking this season of renewal as a chance to begin making that change. I hope you've done a little better than me recently and don't need to make this your resolution too, but just in case you do... I've got ya, we are in this together. (Although I'll be happy if I never have to hear that phrase again...) 

"Come near to God and he will come near to you." ~James 4:8a 

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are. The reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know him." ~1 John 3:1

"The righteous cry out and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. The righteous person may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all." ~Psalm 34:17-19

 

~Katie~ 

Growing Justice

In recent weeks I have followed the news of protests, riots, speeches and more about the senseless deaths of our African American brothers and sisters. I want to start by saying, I am absolutely heartbroken for the family and friends of Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, and George Floyd. I am so sorry for your losses, and I am so sorry for the racial injustice that has been perpetrated in this country which has led to such horrors. I can't begin to imagine what it feels like to be in more danger than me simply because of the pigment of your skin.
To everyone protesting peacefully, I commend you for your self-control and wisdom, as well as your faith in the pursuit of kindness and goodness.
To everyone rioting, I understand your anger, and your feelings of helplessness. I understand that "America must see that riots do not develop out of thin air. In the final analysis, the riot is the language of the unheard" Martin Luther King Jr. When you have tried so many times to be heard when you speak peacefully, and none of them have come to fruition, you can feel that rage and violence is the only way to be heard.
I am trying to find the answers to so many questions, and all I can think of is an initialism from my church camp days as a kid... W.W.J.D What Would Jesus Do? I'm not perfect, not even close, but I think I can draw a few conclusions from the Bible about what Jesus would be doing right now. First of all, I think He would pray. not just a quick 5 second prayer to check off a box, but fervently praying for everyone affected, and for the nation as a whole to turn their hearts. Then I believe He would be checking on those around Him who are personally affected, from friends and family of George, Breonna, and Ahmaud to neighbors and friends who are becoming continuously more fearful for their lives and the lives of their loved ones. I think we also have good evidence to suggest that Jesus would be speaking in the public gathering places. He was never one to shy away from the hard topics, or to stand by and watch injustice being done. He reached out to the outcasts who were judged and withering under the eyes of prejudice. He spoke about loving one another and treating each other with respect in the light of equality. He personally took the hands of those that others hated and feared, and He rose them up and acknowledged them as just as human and just as worthy of love as anyone else. Most of all, I believe He would just be loving on people in every way possible. I don't know what that looks like for you, but I know that, "Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" 1 Corinthians 13:7 and I believe with all of my heart that "Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." Martin Luther King Jr.  Whatever we do in this dark, unjust, and hateful world, let us spread light, and love, and I believe justice will grow in that light